Anxiety and Self-Acceptance

What do we do when we’re anxious about some aspect of our personality?

Recently one of my clients—let’s call her Emma—went on a family trip. Since it was the first time her family had gotten together since the beginning of the pandemic, she noticed them being indecisive about how to spend their time together. As a natural leader, she decided to step in and take charge when it came to their activities. 

“People were going ‘maybe we should do this?’ or ‘maybe we should do that?’” she said. “I see the whole picture. How many dinners we should go to, how much free time do we want, what time should we meet up? I can take all that into consideration and intuit the best thing for the group.”

At first, she felt good about stepping up as an organizer—until a couple of family members teased her about being controlling. 

“Intellectually I knew they were just trying to have a laugh with me,” she said. “But it hit a nerve. Suddenly I started to feel really anxious.”

As we explored her feelings of anxiety, we discovered what was at the root of it: her fear of being controlling like her father. “Growing up, I didn’t feel like I had a lot of power in my household,” she said. “At some point I decided I never wanted to be like my dad in that way.”

When her family started to tease her, it triggered her fear that she was becoming the kind of person she didn’t want to be. 

What could she do in this situation?

Our natural response to personality-related triggers

It’s natural to feel anxious when we perceive that people are calling us out on some aspect of our personality.

Like Emma, we often react in these situations by retreating into negative thought patterns. “All of a sudden I wondered how I was presenting,” she said. “Am I being too controlling? Am I behaving just like my dad?”

In Emma’s case, her fear of being controlling was connected to her fear that people wouldn’t want to be close to her. However, by going into her head and losing herself in rumination, she was actually contributing to the scenario she feared.

In other words, she was removing herself emotionally from the situation—and from the people around her. 

How to respond when you’re triggered about who you are

So how can we keep from falling into negative thought patterns—and creating what we fear—when a situation makes us feel anxious about some aspect of our personality?

There are 2 steps here:

1)   Explore what’s underneath the feeling or behavior

2)   Use feedback on the feeling/behavior to grow

Step 1: Explore what’s underneath the feeling/behavior

Like Emma, we often land in situations that bring out parts of ourselves that are difficult to accept.

In these situations, it’s important to remember that there’s usually a good intention underneath a feeling or behavior we might consider “wrong.”

For example, beneath Emma’s fear that she was too controlling was her desire to be a goodleader —and her fear that this desire would backfire. 

Beneath another client’s fear that they were selfish was their fear that they couldn’t take care of others and get their needs met.

What about the client who was afraid of being annoying? The truth: she was still figuring out how all our social cues work as she was trying to connect with people around her.

And the client who was afraid he was being dramatic and over-sensitive? He was trying to express his feelings instead of bottling them up.

There are lots of other examples I could give, but here’s the point: Our so-called negative personality traits tend to emerge when we’re in situations where we feel anxious—not when we feel secure and relaxed.

But if we look for toward the good intentions beneath the “negative” parts of our personalities, it’s a lot easier to meet them with acceptance and compassion—and move away from anxiety. 

In other words, if we can develop empathy for the intentions behind our “negative” personality traits, those “negative” traits start to diminish, and we start to relax and feel more secure. 

This is what happens with my clients. In a relaxed, self-accepting state, Emma can let go of her controlling tendencies and be a leader instead. My “selfish” client can start to release their fear of not getting their share. My “annoying” client isn’t so afraid of not being accepted. And my “over-dramatic” client can see that the world isn’t ending because he’s having a bad day.

Step 2: Use feedback to grow

Once we arrive at a point where we feel empathy for the more challenging aspects of our personalities, it’s important to consider the feedback we might be getting from others on our feelings and behaviors. 

If we fear we’re being controlling, selfish, annoying, or over-dramatic—or if there’s some other facet of our personality we’re feeling anxious about—it’s usually an indicator that there’s something to learn and something to adjust.

When Emma got bossy and controlling, for example, she learned that it wasn’t always fun for people to have her in charge. So she adjusted her behavior, making a conscious effort to be more inclusive and to look for the humor in her desire to control certain situations.

And my client who was afraid they wouldn’t get their needs met? They noticed that their self-serving behavior created a dynamic where other people in their orbit didn’t feel moved to give. So they tried being more generous, with their time, with their money—and noticed their friends wanting to be helpful and pay for more things as time went by.

My client who had a hard time with social cues (and feared she was annoying) started to pay closer attention to people that were popular at work, trying to figure out what they were doing differently than she was. Her discovery: they listened and talked in about equal measure with their conversation partners. They also reacted at about the same level as everyone else (instead of going big, like she was doing). So my client made it a point to mirror and match the people she spoke with. Pretty soon, people began to seek her out.

As for the client who felt he was being over-dramatic, he realized he needed to pause before turning to his boyfriend and friends when his distress level was at a 10. At first, he turned to me during those pauses. Over time, though, he learned to self-regulate, and two things happened: his relationships became calmer and he started to attract more balanced people.

If you share one of these common personality-related fears, or if you’re working through another challenging aspect of your character, it’s important to remember 1) you’re not a bad person and 2) there’s nothing wrong with you. 

On the contrary: when you see something about yourself that you want to change, it means you’re up against a growth point—and you’re doing what it takes to become the best version of yourself. 

You deserve credit for that.

Do you want to learn more about how to deal with big emotions like anxiety? In my book, Life Launch, I write about the causes of anxiety, and I offer clear, easy-to-apply strategies for coping with it. Download a sample chapter here. Bonus: Watch my TEDx talk on anxiety here.