Why and how to cultivate self-love
I’m so stupid. I’m ugly. I’m unlovable.
When I was younger, my head was often spinning with self-deprecating thoughts like these. There was very little love in the way I talked to myself. And yet that was exactly what everyone else was telling me to do:
“You just need to love yourself.”
“Be kind to yourself.”
“Believe in yourself.”
Well, yeah, I thought. If I could love myself, I’d feel less anxious. I’d achieve all my goals. I’d have a great group of friends. I’d be amazing on dates—
Intellectually, I knew it was important to learn to love myself. But it felt impossible on an emotional level.
In the past I’ve written about meditation as a way to develop a more self-compassionate mindset. Now I want to share a self-love practice my own therapist taught me when I was a teenager.
Back then I thought it was a stupid practice, and I didn’t believe I could ever love myself. In the end, I just tried it to prove to my therapist how impossible it was.
Turns out I was wrong: The more I practiced self-love, the more I could see what a difference it made in how I felt and how other people responded to me. In fact, the practice was/is so powerful that I continue to use it today.
It goes like this:
1. Understand that you’re inherently loveable.
So many people come into my office believing they aren’t loveable. Most often, this belief gets passed on to them from someone close to them, as an expression of their own pain.
The belief that they’re not loveable usually translates into negative self-talk:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I’ll never amount to anything.”
Over and over they repeat these thoughts to themselves. And over time these negative beliefs start to feel true.
But just because these beliefs sound convincing doesn’t make them true.
The truth is we’re all loveable.
The truth is we have to choose to cultivate self-love.
2. Identify your triggers.
Choosing to cultivate self-love starts with paying attention to your thought patterns. What’s a negative “truth” about yourself that comes up when you’re having a hard time?
For example:
· The world is falling apart, and I‘m too small to make an impact.
· I‘m not getting invites to hang out with friends, so people don’t like me.
· ________ didn’t respond to my text—I’m bad at dates.
Observe and reflect on the situations that trigger these types of negative thought patterns. Write them down.
In my case, if I say something that hurts someone else’s feelings or if I don’t stand up for myself, my mind starts spinning with negative beliefs.
3. Create a mantra that feels right for you.
Noticing what triggers your self-deprecating thoughts is important. But if you really want to transform damaging thought patterns into genuine feelings of self-love, you need to take things a step further.
This is where mantras come in.
How do you come up with a mantra that feels right for you?
First, look for the thoughts that bring up the most fear or insecurity. Then experiment with a mantra that responds to those fears.
Some examples:
Fear: I’m too small to make an impact on the world.
Mantra: I’m going to do everything in my power to effect change—and there are lots of other people like me out there.
Fear: People don’t like me.
Mantra: I have a good heart, and I can feel love from (insert person or animal you feel love from)
Fear: I’m never going to reach my career/physical/money goals.
Mantra: I have a plan, and I’m making progress every day towards my goals.
and/or
I’m not going to give up until I get to where I want to go—even if it feels like a long time right now.
My mantra has changed many times over the years, but one I keep coming back to is: “I’m whole and complete and lovable exactly as I am right now.”
As you experiment with different mantras, try saying them out loud. See how they make you feel in your body. What phrase(s) makes you feel whole and safe and complete?
Finding your mantra doesn’t make the bad feeling disappear right away, but it’s a first step toward helping your mind accept new, self-loving thoughts.
4. Work with your mantra.
Once you find your mantra, when and how do you use it?
Pick one of the triggering situations on your list. Feel the feelings in your body when you’re in that situation. Look for the place in your body where the negative emotions sit—common areas are your chest, your stomach, or your shoulders. Imagine that place as a certain color.
Then pick a color that represents your mantra and the feeling you want to feel instead.
After being in your body for a few minutes, take some conscious breaths.
Breathe out the negative feeling with each exhale. Imagine that color streaming out of your body.
On each inhale, repeat your mantra to yourself. Imagine breathing in the positive emotion – your good color filling up your body, slowly replacing the bad feeling.
Whenever you catch yourself not believing your mantra, try responding with this exercise (either while it’s happening or the next day).
5. Repeat, repeat, repeat!
It can take hundreds of times of working with your mantra until it really sinks in. Sometimes we’ll have moments of epiphany when we actually believe we’re loveable.
But even if it doesn’t seem like it’s making a difference, it’s the hundred little steps before the epiphany that really get you there.
Think of how many times you’ve met yourself with negative thoughts. It only makes sense that it takes at least the same amount of time and effort to meet negative feelings with loving thoughts instead.
In other words, be patient with yourself as you try to embrace this new way of being. It takes time and commitment to move away from self-deprecation and move toward self-love.
After more than 25 years of practice, I speak from experience when I say it’s worth it. Everything I’ve accomplished in my life—both personally and professionally—is a result of learning to love myself.
If I can learn it, so can you.
Do you want to learn more about how to cultivate self-love? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cope with negative emotions like anxiety, depression, and anger even as you develop a more loving, compassionate relationship with yourself. Download a sample chapter here.