Why Patience is Key When You’re Dating

For most of my twenties, I was single. 

As an introvert and a naturally shy person, sometimes I was afraid I would never find someone or have the experience of being in love.

Most of the time I confused my fear of the future with loneliness, thinking I was in pain because I didn’t have a romantic partner—and that I would be alone forever.

One day, as I was trying to deal with disappointment after yet another bad date, a question popped into my mind: 

“If you knew right now that in a year you were going to meet the person of your dreams, would you still be in pain at this moment?”

The answer was “no.”

In other words, once I realized my loneliness was actually a deep fear of the future, I realized my life was actually pretty fulfilling in that moment. 

After that, every time I started to feel sad about my love life, I would ask myself the question: “If you knew right now that in a year you were going to meet the person of your dreams, would you still be in pain at this moment?”

The answer was always “no.”

Why did this perspective shift make such a difference?

The more I was able to internalize the idea that I had plenty of time to savor my single life and eventually have an epic romantic relationship experience, the more I learned to enjoy being single.

Instead of projecting overeagerness and desperation, which turn people off, I started to radiate the kind of confidence and wholeness that draws people in. 

And whenever I didn’t feel empowered and confident, I deactivated my dating profile for a while.

I went back to connecting with myself, spending time with my friends, and doing things that made me happy.

Then, when I felt centered and excited about my life again—and interested in meeting people for the sake of meeting people—I would reactivate my profile.

Over time, I continued to go in and out of the online dating world, fluctuating between fear and self-acceptance. 

In the meantime, I was having a great time being single. I hung out with my friends. I traveled the world. I built my psychotherapy practice. 

In the process, I developed a loving relationship with myself, which led to a deep connection to my sense of self-worth. 

Since I felt so good on my own, I didn’t feel the need to rush into a relationship for the sake of being with someone. 

In fact, the more I grew to love myself, the less I was willing to settle for a romantic relationship that was less than spectacular. 

And eventually I did meet someone extraordinary. By the time I met him, I was ready for an epic romantic relationship. So was he.  

Fast forward to now: our relationship is still epic—and I have an epic life independent of that relationship. I have deep friendships, a fulfilling career, and the ability to choose my emotional destiny—and all these things strengthen my marriage because they strengthen me.

None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t practiced patience when it came to finding a romantic partner. By taking the time to develop my relationship with myself, I created space for a romantic partnership with someone who helps me continue to be the best version of myself.

Do you want to learn more about how to attract the right partner? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to expand your social world—and how to cultivate self-love in the process of navigating the dating world. Download a sample chapter here.