1.

Family Systems

First, I believe we are all a part of systems, and that it is impossible to change without acknowledging what role we play in our family systems. If a person tries to change without understanding what system they are altering or pushing against, the chances of them succeeding are very slight because there will be a pull, whether externally from the people in their life or internally from the messages they received throughout their childhood to return to homeostasis. For example, when I am  referred a child who is acting out in school, if I simply try to help the child change their behavior without understanding where it is coming from, I will not be successful. The same is true for adults. Even though many adults I work with have physically moved outside the family they grew up with, they often will continue to assume the role they played in their childhoods.

This concept can be acted out in many ways. First, a client may react to the current people in their life such as their spouse with the assumption that they view them in the same way their parent(s) did. Second, a client is likely to pick friends and/or a spouse that is similar to their parent(s) in order to perpetuate the same system dynamics they grew up in. Third, if a client has children they are likely to create the same family system with their children. This is why I believe when working with children, it is extremely helpful to not only work with the child, but with the parents as well.

2.

Create
Happiness

Second, I believe that every person has the potential to create happiness for themselves, and the desire/ability to contribute to the world. I believe all people are innately good, and want to be able to live a life that has meaning. By helping my clients be more aware of the choices they are currently making in their lives, they will have the ability to make different choices. Many people feel trapped in their lives and are lead by the “shoulds” that were engrained in them since childhood. When the “should” is removed from someone’s vocabulary, they are able to live authentically and find their purpose.

3.

Fulfilling Relationships

Furthermore, when someone is living authentically, they are able to create relationships with others based on fulfillment. Luquet (2000) said, “it is not that one partner has what the other one needs, but rather that what one needs is what the other partner most needs to grow into to, to become whole and fully functioning.”

In other words, a person cannot connect to others before they are aware and confident in who they are. Confidence comes from within, and can be fostered or dampened by a child’s role models. Many individuals did not receive a sense of themselves growing up, and therefore must build their identities later on. It is common for people to rely on their relationships to fill this void, but it is impossible for a person to connect to others if they expect them to meet the needs that were never fulfilled in childhood. This is why intimacy can only be created when one whole and fully functioning self meets another.

To be intimate is to not project past relationships onto the other person, and in the same moment the other person is able to reciprocate. It is the ability to completely connect to another person without loosing sight of yourself or the other person’s individual way of being.