How to Attract the Right Partner, Part 2: Fall in Love with Yourself First

When it comes to attracting the right partner, our relationship with ourselves play a much bigger role than our appearance does (despite what our culture would have us believe!).

As I wrote in my last post, the more we can learn to love ourselves, the higher our chances of attracting the kind of love we want in our lives.

Simply put: When we fall in love with ourselves, other people do, too.

I’ve seen it happen over and over again with my clients, and I’ve experienced it for myself: once I finally learned to love and accept myself unconditionally, I met the love of my life. 

“Good for you, Jesse,” you might be thinking, “that sounds great, but how do I actually go about falling in love with myself?” 

I recommend starting with these six steps: 

Step 1: Make a list of the strengths and good qualities you have to offer in a relationship. Read this list every day. (This reinforces your positive feelings about yourself and builds your self-esteem.)

Step 2: From a place of compassion and self-acceptance, make a list of the things about you that might present a challenge in a relationship with a future partner(s). Do you often get jealous? Is it hard for you to share your feelings? Are you a good listener? If you’re not sure about this, ask someone you trust to give you some constructive feedback about something you might want to work on. 

Step 3: Pick one challenging area to focus on for a specific period of time and take baby steps toward improving it. For example, if you have a hard time opening up to people, make it a goal to start conversations with people you meet in your daily life. The more you work on your weak spots, the more you release your fear about bringing them into future relationships.

Step 4: Stay connected to your friends. Why? Your friendships are a source of comfort, happiness, and self-acceptance. They also give you the opportunity to practice healthy communication, serving as a kind of training ground for more emotionally charged relationships.

Step 5: Take care of your body. Taking care of your body isn’t about trying to fulfill some impossible, media-driven ideal. It’s about feeling better in your own skin, and developing an appreciation for your body as it is. When you’re eating well and exercising, it’s much easier to feel good about yourself physically.

Step 6: Put some energy into your physical appearance. Maybe you’re looking for someone to accept you exactly as you are—and maybe you’re a casual person who likes wearing sweatpants. But when you’re meeting new people, it’s important to keep in mind that they know nothing about you beyond a brief interaction. If you don’t care about your appearance, they’ll assume you probably don’t care about other aspects of your life. And I’m guessing this isn’t true. 

As you move through these 6 steps, keep track of your emotions. How does each step feel? Record your feelings in a journal or as notes on your phone. The act of writing things down helps you process your thoughts and track your progress as you grow.

Most importantly, continue to give yourself credit for staying on a path to growth and self-love—which only increases your chances of meeting the extraordinary person(s) who’s right for you.

Do you want to learn more about how to attract the right partner? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cultivate self-love in the process of finding the person(s) who’s right for you, as well as how to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. Download a sample chapter here.