How to Attract the Right Partner, Part 1: Is Appearance the Biggest Factor?

How to Attract the Right Partner, Part 1: Is Appearance the Biggest Factor? 

When she first came to my office for therapy, Sophia didn’t think she was the kind of person who could attract a romantic partner.

It wasn’t just her lack of experience. Though she believed in her intelligence and her ability to make friends, she didn’t feel confident about her physical appearance: “I’m not a model or an influencer,” she said, “There’s no way I can look like those people.” And she dressed and carried herself as though that were true.

As much as I understood Sophia’s feeling that she had to be physically perfect, I wanted her to understand that—in spite of what she thought, and what society was telling her—appearance is not the most important factor in finding a romantic partner. 

I was speaking from experience. I told Sophia about my freshman orientation week at college, when my four hundred classmates and I got to know each other before classes started. 

As I talked with my classmates, I decided to do an experiment: I asked each of them whom they were most attracted to. 

Over and over again, the same woman’s name came up—and she was definitely not the most beautiful person in our class. 

I was surprised, and fascinated. What was it about this person that made her so attractive to people? Over the next few days, I started to pay closer attention to her.

Here’s what I noticed: this woman was completely in touch with her feminine energy. She walked, dressed, and talked with confidence. She seemed to believe in herself and her ability to connect with people. 

From that point on, I realized that it isn’t our physical form that makes us attractive to other people. It’s what we believe about ourselves. 

With this idea in mind, Sophia and I worked on building up her belief that she was attractive. “You would be a kick-ass girlfriend,” I told her. “You’re always going from one awesome event to the next. You’re constantly surrounded by cool people. You love music. You love to dance.” 

In her case, the only thing that was missing was getting into her body and learning to love herself—all of herself.

So I encouraged her to do things to help her feel better in her own skin. She asked a fashionable friend to help her pick out some new clothes. She got a haircut that flattered her face. She started eating healthier and exercising more often, though she wasn’t trying to lose weight—it was all about strengthening her sense of self-worth.

Over time, as she learned to take care of her physical form in every way she could, Sophia started to appreciate herself in a deeper, more holistic way. 

And it didn’t take long for people to notice, to be drawn to her. At first, they just wanted to hook up with her. But little by little, as her self-esteem continued to grow, the quality of the people she attracted went up, too. 

In the meantime, she continued going to concerts and exploring her love for music. At one of those concerts, she met James, a guitarist in a band she really liked.

At first, he told her he wasn’t the type to be in a committed relationship. But the more he got to know Sophia, the more he could see how special she was, and how powerful their connection could be. 

As of this writing, Sophia and James have been together for over 2 years. 

Sophia’s story is just one example of something I’ve witnessed over and over with my clients—and experienced in my own life: when you fall in love with yourself, other people will, too. 

In other words, the better your relationship with yourself, the stronger your relationships with other people will be.

So how exactly do you fall in love with yourself? What does it involve, and how does it increase your chances of finding someone who’s right for you? We’ll cover that in our next post. 

Do you want to learn more about how to attract the right partner? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cultivate self-love in the process of finding the person(s) who’s right for you, as well as how to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. Download a sample chapter here.