How to really be there for someone who’s struggling
One of my clients – let’s call her Jade – recently came into my office with a very worried look on her face.
“I just got off the phone with one of my best friends,” Jade said. “She just hasn’t been herself lately. At first she didn’t want to say what was wrong—”
Jade paused, collecting herself, “Then she told me she’s feeling depressed. Really depressed. Like to the point where she doesn’t want to go on.”
“We’ve been friends forever, and I really want to help her,” Jade added, fighting back tears. “But I don’t know what to do.”
Like Jade, a lot of us aren’t sure what to do when someone we care about is struggling with depression and/or having suicidal thoughts. We want to say the right thing, do the right thing, really be there for them. But how?
Here are some tips for how to support someone who really needs help right now—and hold on to yourself in the process:
1. Give them space to express their feelings and sit with their emotions.
Your instinct might be to try and make things better, to make the pain go away. I get it! I help people for a living, and I understand the urge to want to change things or ‘fix’ the situation.
But here’s a truth: the more we give off the energy that we want them to feel better right now, the more pressure we create for the person who’s struggling.
In other words, we don’t want to try to talk someone out of their feelings.
Instead, you can say something along the lines of: “I’m here. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
First and foremost, listen. Make it clear that you can accept what they have to say, no matter what. They need to know there’s no judgment here.
While you’re listening, instead of thinking about what you’re going to say in response to what they’re saying, try to stay present and allow them to sit with their emotions.
As I told Jade, and as I tell all my clients: what we resist persists, and what we accept transforms.
2. Ask them what they need.
If you’re trying to help someone who’s really depressed, you might think you need to go through a certain line of questioning to assess the situation. This isn’t your job—you can leave that to a professional.
Instead, after you’ve given the person some space to talk through their pain and be with their emotions, ask them what they need.
They might not have an answer right away, and that’s okay – you can try out different ways of being there for them and see what feels right for both of you.
Maybe it’s a daily text. Maybe it’s a walk together once a week.
The key here is to be there for them without letting go of what you need in your own life. Like Jade, you might be tempted to stop taking care of yourself as you try to take care of your friend.
It might seem counterintuitive, but if you really want to be there for someone, it’s important to keep tending to your own needs. If you normally work out, for example, keep working out. If you meditate, keep meditating. Why?
You want to meet your friend as a fully functioning human, not as someone who’s drowning with them. If you’re sleep-deprived, or malnourished (literally or figuratively), it’s much harder to show up fully for someone else.
3. Get their support system involved.
If you sense someone is severely depressed and/or suicidal, it’s important to rally their support system.
This can be tricky when someone is feeling depressed, since the instinct is often to hide their feelings. This was definitely the case with Jade’s friend.
In these situations, you can start off by asking them if anyone else knows they’re feeling depressed. If not, then ask them: “Who would be the next, safest person you could talk to?”
The next step, especially if the person is depressed to the point where they can’t function, is to help them find a therapist.
Unfortunately, money is sometimes an issue here. If they have health insurance, you can call the insurance company to get a list of providers. If they don’t have insurance, reach out to graduate schools, which often offer low-cost or free services. I speak from experience when I say that what grad students lack in training, they make up for in motivation. You can also ask friends or relatives if they can recommend someone.
4. Don’t panic.
If someone tells you they’re feeling severely depressed and/or suicidal, try not to panic. Yes, it’s serious. But the will to live is stronger than you might think. I’ve dealt with hundreds of people who were depressed and suicidal. I experienced these feelings myself as a teenager.
In 99% of these cases—including my own—people turn a corner once they feel like even one person understands them.
You know what it’s like when you feel seen and heard. It’s as powerful as it is healing.
As I shared with Jade, if someone is talking through their darkness with you, they’re already taking a huge step. They’re trying to connect to life and meaning. The best thing you can do is just be with them. And/or find someone else who can be with them until they can get the help they need.
Do you want to learn more about how to cope with depression? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to recalibrate your relationship with big emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression — and how to bring more calm and fulfillment into your life. Download a sample chapter here.