How to Sustain a Romantic Relationship, Part 2: Hold on to Yourself

In my last post, I wrote about how important it is to recognize when you’re in a state of dependence vs. a state of love in a romantic relationship. 

I also introduced you to Dawn and Carlos, a couple who fell hard and fast for one another—and quickly started to depend on one another for practically all their emotional needs. 

As the euphoria wore off, and the relationship spiraled downward, Dawn came to me for help: “All the sparks are gone,” she said. “And even when he tries to help me feel better, it doesn’t seem to work anymore.” 

She could see she that she’d grown too dependent on Carlos for her emotional well-being, but she didn’t know how to move away from that dependence, into a space of love. 

“It might seem like a paradox,” I told her, “But here’s the thing: the more you can focus on fulfilling your own needs and holding on to the person you are, the easier it is to be in a space of love.”

And the more you can be in a space of love, I added, the stronger your relationship will be.

“That’s great, Jesse,” she said, looking at me with equal parts hope and skepticism, “but how do I actually do that?”

How to Hold on to Yourself in a Romantic Relationship

In my psychotherapy practice—and in my own life—I’ve seen a lot of romantic relationships fall apart when one or both partners let go of the reins of building their own self-confidence. 

As soon as one partner hands over that job to the other, or starts depending on their partner to make them feel good, they become less attractive. 

In other words, people fall in love with people who are self-assured and have their own sense of purpose.

This is why it’s so important to hold on to your own goals and dreams, especially when you enter into a romantic relationship. This way, you ensure that you have a source of fulfillment that belongs to you. And this way, your partner isn’t the only thing in your life making you happy.

Like Dawn, you’re probably wondering how this looks in practice.

Here’s an example from my own life: When I feel myself relying on my husband Mark to make me feel better, I know it’s a sign that I need to refocus on making myself feel better. 

So what do I do?

I direct more time and energy toward things that feel fulfilling to me: I make more time for my friends. I take long walks. I do some extra yoga sessions. 

Even though I don’t tell Mark what I’m up to, he responds every time I reconnect with my own sources of happiness: “Oh, my gosh, you’re the most beautiful woman,” he’ll say. “I’m so in love with you.”

Why does this happen? When I refocus on myself, I’m resetting the connection with my true self. Whether or not he’s conscious of it, Mark can always feel that shift.

And Carlos definitely felt the shift when Dawn stopped depending on him to ease her depression. At first, it was difficult to keep from turning to him every time she was in a dark mood.

But little by little, she started to spend more time doing things that felt fulfilling and inspiring to her, like painting, baking, reading sci-fi novels, and hanging out with her friends.

Eventually she felt a switch flip, in herself and in Carlos. The more she learned to give herself what she felt was missing in her life, the more desirable she became to him. 

As time went by, Carlos and Dawn found a new kind of closeness, one that was based on love and mutual respect instead of emotional dependence.

As of this writing, the two of them are planning a future, a future where they both have the space to be the best version of themselves—together.

Do you want to learn more about how to sustain a romantic relationship? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cultivate self-love when you’re in a romantic relationship, and how to keep the passion alive for the long haul. Download a sample chapter here.