How to Sustain a Romantic Relationship, Part 1: Dependence vs. Love

Carlos was the kind of person my client Dawn had always dreamed of being with.

“He’s everything I’ve been looking for in a partner,” she told me, “He’s hot, he’s successful, his family’s great, and he’s got a big group of close friends he’s always making time for. I don’t want to say he’s perfect, but—"

Within weeks of meeting, Carlos and Dawn became a couple. Given how close they were from the get-go, it didn’t take them long to discover that they both suffered from depression. 

Initially, this discovery brought them closer. Since they could understand each other’s emotional ups and downs, they knew how to support one another when the going got tough.

As time went by, Dawn started to turn to Carlos every time she felt depressed, wanting him to take care of her, depending on him to make her feel better.

At first, it worked: Carlos always seemed to know what to say or do to help Dawn out of the darkness. But after a while, something between them shifted: no matter what Carlos did, he couldn’t cheer her up. 

When he couldn’t change how she felt, it made Carlos feel like a lesser person. It also triggered his own depression. 

And the more depressed he felt, the more he pulled away. The less he tried.

Before long, Dawn felt like the relationship was in a downward spiral: “I don’t feel like he’s there for me,” she said, “I don’t think he cares anymore.”

That’s when I told her about the difference between dependence and love.

Dependence vs. Love

Here’s the truth: We all depend on our partners to some degree. 

After all, that’s part of the beauty of having a partner! 

Who doesn’t like being with someone who sees you as the most amazing person on the planet, who boosts your confidence, calms your anxiety, and eases your depression?

All that support feels great, doesn’t it? But as good as it feels to have someone raising you up all the time, it’s not so different from having training wheels on a bike. 

Once you enter into a romantic relationship, it’s easy to start relying on your partner to feel confident—as easy as it is to rely on those training wheels to hold you up.

In other words, when you finally find the person you’ve been searching for, it’s almost instinctive to count on them for validation and love. 

We all do it.

But, as I told Dawn, we need to be careful about how much we do it. 

When you start to rely on your partner as your coping mechanism for a sustained period of time, it doesn’t just put a strain on your relationship. It also causes you to lose touch with your ability to create your own happiness.

If you want to avoid leaning on your partner too much—and keep your relationship healthy for the long haul—the key is to figure out when you’re in a space of dependence versus a space of love.

How can you tell the difference?

When you expect your partner to fulfill a need inside you, as Dawn was doing, you’re in a space of dependence. 

What are some other signs that you’re dependent on your partner?

When you want your partner to…

• …express their love in a certain way.

• …tell you how great you are on a regular basis.

• …act a particular way around family or friends.

• …base their life decisions on what you want.

If you notice yourself regularly placing these types of expectations on your partner, it’s a good indicator that you’re in a relationship of dependence.

Love is different.

When you’re in a space of love, you find joy in your partner, who they are, and what they’re passionate about. It doesn’t matter what they do. When you feel love for them, they don’t need to change in any way. 

Do you always have to be in a space of love to have a successful romantic partnership? No. That’s just not realistic. 

In a committed relationship, you constantly fluctuate between love and dependence. 

But the more you can hold onto yourself, the more you can create a space of love. 

In my next post, I’ll explain how to hold onto yourself in a romantic relationship—and I’ll share what happened between Dawn and Carlos when they learned to focus more energy on fulfilling their own needs.

​​Do you want to learn more about how to sustain a romantic relationship? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cultivate self-love when you’re in a romantic relationship, and how to keep the passion alive. Download a sample chapter here.