Freeing Ourselves from the Tyranny of the Should

If you’ve heard my TEDx talk, you know what a huge impact Dr. Karen Horney (pronounced Horn-EYE) has had on my life.

Dr. Horney led an amazing life: before emigrating from Germany to the U.S. to raise her two daughters on her own, she was one of the first women in Germany to graduate from medical school. She was also a founding member of the Berlin Psychoanalytic Institute and the founder of feminist psychology.

After she came to the U.S., Dr. Horney continued to practice psychotherapy and develop her ideas. Near the end of her career, she published a landmark book called Neurosis and Human Growth: The Struggle Toward Self-Realization, which had (and still has!) a major influence on the fields of psychology and psychotherapy.

I read Dr. Horney’s book when I was studying to become a psychotherapist. And when I came across the chapter called “The Tyranny of the Should,” I had a major aha moment. The ideas in that chapter changed the way I saw myself and related to the world.

The Tyranny of the Should

What does Dr. Horney mean by the “Tyranny of the Should”?

In her psychotherapy practice, Dr. Horney observed that many of her clients held themselves to impossible standards of perfection. Instead of honoring who they actually were, her clients were trying to live up to who they thought they should be.

In the process of trying to be their “idealized selves,” Dr. Horney’s clients constantly told themselves things like, “you should be able to endure everything, to understand everything, to like everybody, to be always productive.”

But of course they couldn’t live up to all these unrealistic shoulds. No one can. The result? They grew to dislike themselves so much that they became paralyzed, unable to realize their true potential.

I could totally identify with Dr. Horney’s clients. As the only child of high-achieving parents, I grew up thinking I should do well in school, have a bunch of friends, and do everything in my power to be successful and well-adjusted. All those shoulds worked in my favor for a while.

But when I got to high school, my cousin Jason, who was like a brother to me, committed suicide. Two years later, his father killed himself. Eventually my two other cousins took their own lives, too.

All at once, young adulthood became a terrifying time for me. Not only did I feel immense sadness, but I also lost all motivation to do anything for myself or anyone else.

In therapy, I learned to relate to my emotions differently, and eventually I made it to the other side of severe depression and chronic anxiety. But by the time I got to college, I was still operating under the assumption that I had to be perfect: the perfect student, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter who always looked nice. Until I read about the tyranny of the should.

Embracing who you are—not who you should be

After reading Dr. Horney’s book, I decided to evaluate all the shoulds in my life and challenge them one by one.

I thought about my biggest shoulds: studying, getting good grades, taking care of others, and putting energy into my physical appearance.

“If I don’t have to do any of these things,” I wondered, “what do I want to do?”

I wanted to learn about psychology. I wanted to be connected to my family and loved ones. I wanted to dress well and learn how to do my hair because looking good on the outside made me feel better on the inside.

In other words, once I understood how to frame my desires as choices instead of obligations, I felt inspired to work towards them. As I worked toward my goals, I practiced appreciating my progress and recognizing my strengths.

I learned to detach from the person I thought I should be and embrace the person I was. Along the way, I ended up manifesting what I wanted: more connection, more productivity, more joy, more fulfillment.

You can listen to my entire TED talk, and learn a simple but powerful technique for freeing yourself from the tyranny of the should, here.