Help! I can’t make a decision!

I can’t tell you how many times clients come into my office because they have been stuck --ruminating on some giant life decision, and cannot seem to get clarity- whether it is to break up with someone, switching jobs, moving, have a baby, etc.

So what do you do to decide?

Well it’s best explained by taking you through an example,

I had a client named Carrie, she was 37 and all the big goals for her life had been achieved...

She wanted a successful career as a graphic designer running her own company - check

She wanted a solid group of strong female friends she could go adventuring with - check

She wanted the flexibility to travel and see all different parts of the world - check

She wanted a partner who was a best friend and inspiration - check

But what about the baby!?

She grew up fantasizing about all the things I mentioned above but she never really fantasized about the baby and now she felt lost -- because part of her did not want to miss out on this so called magical experience that many people around her raved about, but at the same time she was thinking why mess with success?

“I am happy, fulfilled and grateful for the life I have now every day, maybe my urge to have a baby is just societal and genetic programming.”

In our first session together I could tell that she was visibly stressed out about not having clarity about this decision for a few years now - she kept thinking the clarity would come but it just hadn’t and she didn’t want her biological clock to make the decision for her.

I told her: Don’t worry, I know what to do -- I have helped many people with these kind of big life decisions and the first step is to understand that there are two places that we are drawn to make decisions from...

1. Our Fulfillment

2. Our Fear

The reason we get stuck is because our fear gets in the way and blocks us from seeing which direction we truly want to move.

Step 1:

Either talk unedited out loud or journal about all the reasons we want to take

PATH A

So for Carrie she said she wanted to have a baby because she wanted...

-to become less self-focused

-to not be alone when she was old

-to have the experience of filling her heart with love

-to feel the feeling of family on a deeper level

PATH B

Carrie said she didn’t want to have a baby because she wanted...

-to be free to travel the world anytime, anywhere

-to not make any sacrifices in her career focus or time

-to not mess with the success and perfection of her romantic relationship

-to sleep

As you talk or write through your reasons on both sides it’s important to allow yourself to feel the feelings in your body that come up.

Like when Carrie said she felt like she didn’t want to be alone, she felt anxious.

And when she said she wanted to have the experience of filling her heart with love, she felt happy.

You might be thinking simple - all done - get clear on what your heart wants and just decide. But as you also probably know from making difficult life decisions, it’s not that simple and Carrie (like all of us) had fear and fulfillment thoughts on both ends of the decision.

The goal wasn’t to erase the fear, it was to bring it to the surface so that she could see the big picture of what was going on inside her as she tried to make this decision.

*The fear tries to shut us down from thinking deeper and feeling clarity or fulfillment but as we stop resisting the fear and listen to it we also are able to hear the other parts of us as well.

Now that she can see, what’s next?

Step 2:

Pick an amount of time to live in each decision (somewhere between a day to a week, depending on what feels right to you)

Carrie chose to live in the idea of “having a baby” for one week. During this time she started reading baby books, she thought about how she would adjust her work schedule, went on coffee dates with her friends and told them about the things she was excited about, nervous about, etc. about having this baby.

Basically Carrie truly lived in the idea that the baby was coming for a week without allowing herself to think otherwise to see how she felt.

Side note: You might have noticed I didn’t say she had talks with her husband during this time... this is because in her situation, her husband and her had been in the same place waffling back and forth about the decision. Every time they tried to talk about it they both got more anxious that they were not clear on what they wanted, so they decided to do their own introspective work and come back together for another talk after that.

Then, during week 2 Carrie flipped. She decided she wasn’t having a baby. What would the next 5, 10, 20 years look like? Where did she want to make sure she traveled to? What were her career goals? If she wasn’t going to be less self-focused by having a baby, did she want to give back to the community in a different way?

I’d like to tell you that as Carrie completed this process she had a light bulb moment and became 100% clear on what she wanted…but she didn’t. For many of you, and depending on what the decision is, you will only need these 2 steps -- but for Carrie and for a lot of us, the process doesn’t end here, so what next?

Step 3:

Take a rest from the decision entirely and trust that the answer is inside you if you give it the space to come out.

I believe that all of us are the experts of our own lives and ultimately if we connect to ourselves at the deepest level we will be able to hear which direction we want to move to next.

If you’re someone who doubts your ability to make decisions for yourself like Carrie and many of us do then...

Think back to other times in your life when you made big decisions that worked out for you.

Carrie remembered how scared she was that she would never be able to run her own business and how she had to make 1,000 little and big decisions to get herself to the place she was now. As she recounted this story, I could see the confidence in herself growing.

I said, “ok great now you can feel the place you want to make this baby decision from. I want you to go live your life for the next month (or however long feels good to you), not worrying about not being able to make this decision. Every time you get anxious about the decision, you say to yourself the answer is inside me and I will relook at this decision in one month.”

At the end of the month, I had Carrie repeat Steps 1 and 2, except this time she felt clearer. She wanted to have a baby. I said. “Great now let’s spend the next month seeing if you keep getting clearer.”

She did, and the more excited she got about having the baby, the more her husband got excited too, and one year later, Adrian was born.

I have used this process on myself and many clients. I have watched people become amazed that as they allowed themselves to hear and feel everything around the decision they are trying to make, clarity comes.

What big life decisions are you trying to make right now?

If you need extra support, please reach out. You don’t have to do this alone!