The Friendship Series, Part 3: How to be a better friend
In the last post in our friendship series, we explored how to make new friends.
In this post, I want to share a powerful practice to help you strengthen your friendships for the long haul.
It starts with a question: What’s one thing you need to work on in order to be a better friend?
It may sound like a simple question, but it’s not always easy to come up with an answer.
Here are some ideas that might help:
Talking and listening. Do you talk a lot more than your friends? If so, make it a point to spend time listening to them. Ask good questions, and try not to interrupt them when they’re answering you. If you tend to listen more than you talk, try to contribute more to conversations than you normally would; having a healthy give-and-take builds trust and intimacy.
Being vulnerable. Can you be vulnerable with your friends? If this is hard for you, think about something in your life that’s important to you right now and choose a time and place to talk about it with someone you trust. Sharing deeper parts of yourself with people you care about helps strengthen your connections with them.
Asking for help. Do you ask your friends for support when you need it? If not, the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, make it a point to reach out to them. Who doesn’t feel good about giving someone they care about exactly what they need when they need it?
Offering help. Do you try to help your friends and look for ways to make their lives better?
Passing judgment. Are you judgmental about your friends? If so, what do you judge them about? Think about where your judgments are coming from. Why is this friend pushing your buttons? In most cases, it goes back to a pattern from your childhood. If you make a conscious effort to accept your friends for who they are, you not only improve your relationship with them. You’re also taking steps toward letting go of negative emotional patterns from your past.
If none of these ideas speak to you, or if you’re still having a hard time figuring out how to be a better friend, ask someone you trust for feedback.
Once you’re clear on what it is you want to work on in your relationships with your friends, commit to practicing the behavior for certain period of time, say a week or two.
During that time, note what feels easy and what feels challenging.
After a week or two, reflect on how it feels to be a better friend. What changes do you notice in your friendships? What changes do you notice in yourself?
Throughout this exercise, remember to acknowledge yourself for making an effort to be a better friend.
Changing your behavior patterns with your friends can take time, and it isn’t always easy. But given how important friendships are for your well-being, you deserve credit for trying to be the best friend you can be.
Do you want to learn more about how to create—and sustain—healthy friendships? In my book, Life Launch, I write more about how to make new friends, how to deal with conflict in friendship, and how to accept the ebb and flow in your relationships with other people. Download a sample chapter here.