How to create the (money) life you want
My client Naomi grew up with a lot of guilt around money. Throughout her childhood and into her teens, her family was on and off welfare, and there was hardly ever enough to get by. As a kid, she remembers having to pick and choose at the grocery store, keeping track of every cent they spent. Family vacations were usually camping trips. She can’t remember how old she was when she learned to sew her own clothes.
These days, Naomi makes good money as a massage therapist. Now she can buy whatever she wants at the grocery store. She and her daughter travel all over the world. Though she still enjoys sewing, she also likes to splurge on a nice piece of clothing every now and then.
“I’m doing well,” Naomi told me, “I have what I’ve always wanted. But I feel guilty being able to afford things when the rest of my family still can’t.”
In other words, Naomi was wondering if she deserved her good fortune.
Our attitudes about money
There isn’t a person I’ve met on planet earth—inside or outside my therapy practice—who doesn’t have some kind of issue with money.
Why?
Money is directly connected to our survival, so it’s natural that it brings up survival mind thoughts. Even if we’re not in physical danger, even if it’s unlikely that we’ll end up in poverty or lose our homes, our fears around money often feel like matters of life and death.
On top of survival-related fears, our upbringing also has a huge influence on our attitudes about money.
Maybe your family had money but felt like it was never enough. Maybe you grew up poor but you lived like royalty. However your childhood experience with money may have looked, it continues to shape your relationship with money in adulthood, as it did with Naomi. (Read more about money and family dynamics here.)
Given how high-stakes it is, and given the impact of our caregivers on how we deal with money, it’s important to treat our relationship with money as an emotional relationship like any other.
As with any relationship, it takes work to build a healthy emotional relationship with money.
Start where you are
If you feel some hesitation about approaching your relationship with money, you’re not alone. I have clients, for example, who’ve been deep in debt, barely living pay check to pay check, and felt anxious about looking at their budget.
But by facing their fears and taking an honest look at their relationship with money, they’ve been able to create a plan to get themselves out of debt. Once they had a plan and took action, they started to feel more financially empowered, even though they had a long way to go toward their money goals.
In other words, you have the power to create a healthy relationship with money, no matter where you are on your journey to becoming “rich” or financially stable.
It’s easy to get stuck in thinking, “When I have this amount of money, then I’ll be happy.” We all know that money doesn’t buy happiness, though—no matter how much we have.
The key here is to shift your relationship with money to feel relaxed and at peace with it right now. Let me explain what this can look like.
When I was in my 20s, I was making enough money to take myself snowboarding, but I slept at Motel 6, bought discount lift tickets, and ate Cup o’ Noodles on the mountain with my friends. Now I can go helicopter snowboarding, stay in fancy places, and go out to dinner at swanky restaurants.
But guess what? Both scenarios give me the same amount of fulfilment. Even though I was earning a lot less in my 20s, I was still able to do the things I loved, and it felt great.
In other words, being in a healthy relationship with money allows you to create whatever you want in your life—and enjoy the journey to reaching your financial goals, even if you have a ways to go.
So where do you start?
How to build your ideal relationship with money
Get real about your attitude toward money. What emotions do you associate with money? Fear? Apathy? Pride? Excitement? Anger? Take a few minutes to journal about your emotional relationship with money right now. Shining a light on negative beliefs about money is the first step toward releasing them.
Think about where you want to be. Visualize your rich life. What is actually important to you? For me, it’s more important to spend time with my son and go snowboarding than drive an expensive car. I’d rather cook dinner at home, except on special occasions, so I can have a budget for the things that are really important to me. Record a voice note or take a few minutes to journal about your rich life.
Feel into where you want to be. Listen to your voice note or re-read your rich life journal entry. What does it feel like in your body to have what you want? Take some time to explore the sensations that come up. Make a note of them. (Pro-tip: This step might sound a little woo-woo, but going beyond the cognitive level helps your vision take root.)
Set a number goal. What would your rich life cost? Though it might feel scary, a number is more achievable than an abstract thought/idea. You might be tempted to start with this step. But you want to be sure to root your number in your true desires—not what you think your number should be based on an ego-related goal or familial/societal expectations. This is why it’s important to clarify and feel into your vision before you settle on a rich life budget number.
Work backwards from your number goal. How much are you making now? What costs do you want to cut (if any)? What do you truly want to spend your money on?
Figure out the next best step to meeting your money goal. Maybe it’s figuring out how much your life costs. Maybe it’s creating a budget (and enlisting someone’s help with this and/or downloading a free budgeting app like Goodbudget or Pocketguard). Maybe it’s pinpointing your frivolous expenses. Maybe it’s focusing on areas of your life where you’re too stingy—toward yourself and/or others.
Going through this practice was life-changing for Naomi. Now she has a plan: “I set aside a certain amount every month for everyday stuff, for fun, for retirement—and for giving,” she told me.
“Being successful doesn’t mean I have to feel so guilty about not giving away every spare penny.”
By taking some time out to parse her relationship with money, she’s figured out ways to spend it that are truly fulfilling to her.
“I finally realized it’s not about how much money I have,” she said. “It’s about how I relate to money.”
Want to learn more about your relationship with money is a form of self-love?
During my three-month group course, I’ll guide you to create your own unique formula to build, nurture, and sustain self-love and resilience. Click here to learn more!