How to use negative coping mechanisms to build emotional resilience
My friends joke that I’m addicted to giving things up.
At one time or another, I’ve given up cigarettes, sugar, caffeine, TV and alcohol, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Why? I’ve noticed myself leaning on these things not just to cope, but to avoid what I’m feeling.
Take alcohol, for example. As someone who used to be socially awkward, I felt like I needed a few drinks before I could loosen up and engage with people at a party. I didn’t think I could have fun with strangers if I wasn’t a little tipsy. But I also noticed how exhausted and drained I felt the day after I drank.
I started to wonder if the costs of drinking outweighed the benefits. And I started to wonder what would happen if I remade my relationship with alcohol.
Negative coping mechanisms are universal
The truth is all of us turn to negative coping mechanisms at certain moments in our lives, either to shift our state, or to soothe ourselves, or both.
Here are the most common negative coping mechanisms:
Food: we eat too much or too little or stuff ourselves with junk food
Money: we overspend or we’re too frugal
Drugs/alcohol, including caffeine and marijuana
Sex: to distract ourselves or fake emotional intimacy
Social media: to escape our present reality
Dating apps: to pass time rather than find a partner, to get a shot of self-esteem
Porn
Fights—physical or emotional
Physical appearance: obsessing about it instead of focusing on self-love
TV
Being in constant contact with others to avoid being alone
Sleeping too much/too little
Video games
Procrastination
Do any of these sound familiar? Which of them do you turn to most? (Mine are/have been food, cigarettes, alcohol, TV and caffeine.)
While I’m all for doing whatever you need to do to feel better in the moment, I think it’s important to be aware that you’re doing it.
Why? Though negative coping mechanisms may help you get through challenging moments, they are also a way of bypassing your feelings.
When you continually bypass your feelings, you miss the opportunity to strengthen your emotional coping skills.
So where do you go from here? How do you leverage your negative coping mechanisms to feel better in the moment—and build emotional strength for the long haul?
Practice: How to leverage your negative coping mechanisms
This practice is something I’ve turned to again and again in my life—and I often recommend it to clients who want to recalibrate their relationship with their negative coping mechanisms.
It comes down to five steps:
Pick a negative coping mechanism you’d like to work on.
List the costs and benefits associated with this negative coping mechanism. For example, with alcohol, for me the benefit was feeling fun and giggly in the moment. The cost: feeling tired and heavy-hearted the next day.
Ask yourself what relationship you’d like to have with the thing you're working on. In my case, I wanted to feel as fun and free when I was sober as I did when I was having a drink.
Set a short-term goal. This can be a baby step, a way to ease your way into things. With alcohol, my short-term goal was to only drink on the weekends. Keep in mind if you can’t meet your short-term goal, you’ve set the wrong goal. Try to make it something absolutely reachable. Pro-tip: It can be fun and helpful to have an accountability partner to check in with on your short-term goal—and celebrate your wins.
Experiment with your short term goal. Journal about what comes up—both positive and negative. What are you gaining? What are you losing? It’s good to acknowledge both, as it means growth is happening.
When it comes to negative coping mechanisms, awareness is power.
In other words, the point of this practice is not necessarily to give up your negative coping mechanism.
The point is to be conscious of its costs and benefits to you.
The point is also to analyze these costs and benefits.
And finally, the point is to observe when you turn to this negative coping mechanism: what is it that triggers your desire to drink, or eat junk food, or spend hours scrolling TikTok and Instagram?
When you figure out which situations drive you toward your negative coping mechanisms, and when you’re aware of the impact they’re having on your life, show yourself some compassion.
When I decided to give up alcohol during the week, I told myself it was okay to be scared when I went to a weeknight gathering. If I didn’t feel confident without a drink in my hand, I accepted that.
To my surprise, after a month without drinking on weekdays, I felt so clear-headed, and so full of energy, I decided to go for another month.
I watched myself grow more curious about other people and less focused on myself when I showed up to a gathering and decided not to drink. I became more intentional about what I did and who I hung out with. I noticed my social confidence grow.
As the days went by, it was obvious how much better I felt, and how differently I was showing up in social situations. No drinking on weekdays turned into 30 days without alcohol. Eventually, 30 days turned into 8 years.
As you move through the practice of remaking your relationship with your negative coping mechanisms, continue to observe what you’re gaining, and what you’re feeling.
Watch what happens when you allow yourself to feel all your feelings, instead of ignoring them or numbing them or pushing them away.
When you allow yourself to feel all your feelings, you grow. You grow more confident. You grow to trust your own strength. And in the process, you grow love for yourself.
Want to learn more about how to identify your negative coping mechanisms and build emotional resilience?
During my three-month group course, I’ll guide you to create your own unique formula to build, nurture, and sustain self-love and resilience. Click here to learn more!