How to deal with reoccurring conflict

“You never___________!” “I always____________!” — How to deal with recurring conflicts

A few weeks ago, I saw a client—let’s call her Sophia—who told me she’s been feeling increasingly disconnected from her partner, whom we’ll call Jack.

“He spends so much time smoking pot and playing video games,” she said. “I don’t mind the smoking or the gaming that much, but it feels like he’s in his own bubble all the time. And I feel like we’re drifting farther and farther apart.”

After she communicated her feelings to him, Jack promised to make more of an effort to spend time together and connect. One night, they went out with friends and had an amazing time. But once they got home, he went straight to his computer.

One step forward, three steps back.

Sophia was furious. She felt like Jack hadn’t really listened to her, like his promises were empty, like he was never going to get it—like he might never become the mature partner she needed him to be.

What could she do here? Go to bed angry? Let it go? Neither option felt right to her.

When conflicts recur

Though the situations might differ, if you’re in any kind of long-term relationship, chances are you’ve experienced some kind of recurring conflict. Maybe your partner keeps promising to make more of an effort to live on a budget but goes out and buys an expensive outfit every time they’re stressed. Or your roommate knows you’re expecting company, and they go off to a party and leave the kitchen a total mess. Again.

How do you respond when the people in your life keep making the same mistakes over and over again and it’s driving you crazy?

Step 1: Get underneath the anger. 

When you’re feeling angry, the best thing you can do is step away from the situation and calm down before you try to communicate.

Most often, the emotion hiding beneath anger is fear. So, the first step in dealing with anger is to find the fear underneath it: What are you actually afraid of?

In Sophia’s case, she was afraid of not having an available and reliable partner who could make her feel taken care of in their relationship.

Step 2: Reality check.

When our needs aren’t getting met, it’s easy to fall into self-righteousness and blame it all on the other person.

Do you ever find yourself thinking “This is how it always is.” or “I never get what I need.”?  This is called globalizing.

When you catch yourself globalizing, try to take a moment and ask yourself if the statement is actually true. Is this really always an issue, or is it situational?

Instead of focusing exclusively on what’s bothering you, remember what you like about the person. Maybe think about the good times you’ve had together.

Then, think about your own role in the conflict: Is there something you haven’t communicated to them? Could you be showing more compassion for their emotional needs? In Sophia’s case she wasn’t taking into account that at this time Jack was feeling more stressed than usual at work while she was on hiatus from work causing her to have much more space/energy to connect (while at other times the opposite had been true).

Remember, there are always two sides to every conflict. Don’t have the conversation until you know what your part in it might be.

Step 3: Choose a calm moment to talk.

Late at night, with one of you upset, the other stoned, and both of you exhausted, is not a good time to have a difficult conversation.

Wait until both of you are in a place to talk calmly and hear the other person out.

But don’t give the other person the cold shoulder in the meantime. Reassure them—and yourself—that your intention is to work through this, not to hold a grudge.

Step 4: Communicate.

Once you do sit down to have a conversation, boil down what you need to communicate in the simplest of terms:

- Use short, concise sentences. The faster and clearer you can get the point across, the more likely the other person is to understand you and take in the feedback.

-  Avoid blaming language. Don’t say “You always do this!” or “You never listen to me!” Instead, use sentences that start with “I feel”

- Give the other person space to respond and share their thoughts and feelings about the situation.

Step 5: Keep your expectations in check.

If we’re inexperienced at giving and receiving feedback, sometimes people can react defensively. And sometimes they don’t respond the way we hope they will.

If this happens, don’t take it as a sign that all further conversations are pointless. Instead of pinning all your hopes on a single conversation, keep assessing the situation. Look for ways that the person changes their behavior to accommodate you in the future despite what they said or didn’t say in the moment.

Which is exactly what Sophia ended up doing, while she and Jack were on a long drive to visit her sister. 

“I felt so connected to you when we went out,” she said, “And I expected to keep connecting after we got home,” she told him, “But I didn’t tell you that.”

Jack was surprised. “I had a great time, too,” he said, “So I thought you wouldn’t mind if I did my own thing after.” He couldn’t have known Sophia didn’t feel the same way. “If I’d known, I would have kept hanging out with you.”

What could have turned into an ugly late-night fight became a mature conversation about their needs. The result? A deeper understanding of where the other person was coming from, a mutual agreement to communicate their expectations more clearly going forward, and a sense of connection that brought Sophia and Jack closer than they were before.