How to find a therapist who’s right for YOU
I know how hard it can be to find a therapist who’s right for you.
When I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety during my teens, my parents sent me to therapy for the first time.
It was not a good experience.
I was desperate for my first therapist to understand how dark and hopeless I felt. But whenever I shared my feelings with her, the look on her face seemed more disconnected than empathetic.
No matter what I said at the end of a session—whether it was “I’m going to the pumpkin patch after this” or “I hate this life and I can’t go on”—she would always say, “Our time is coming to a close.”
I left every session with her feeling more alone than ever.
Over the course of working with her, I steadily grew more depressed, either feeling overwhelmed with sadness or feeling totally numb.
But just when I reached a point where I felt ready to give up on the idea of therapy altogether, my parents sent me to a new therapist: Toni.
I noticed something different about Toni right away. She looked me in the eye in a way that made me feel like she held hope for me. She brought my parents into the room. She had me sit right next to her.
Then she turned to me and said: “Jesse, what do you think this family needs to help you change your life?”
Her question overwhelmed me at first. I thought about it for a moment. Then I looked at my parents and said, “I want you to have faith that I’ll be okay.”
That first session with Toni was a turning point. As time went by, Toni helped me move through the anxiety and depression and develop a healthier relationship with my emotions. Thanks to her, I grew to love the process of therapy so much that I decided to become a therapist myself (but that’s another story).
Nowadays when people ask me how to find a therapist who’s right for them, I think about my experience with Toni vs. my experience with that first therapist. How did I know Toni was the therapist for me?
It came down to three essential factors:
1) She made me feel safe and understood.
2) She asked questions that helped me identify my needs and desires.
3) She wasn’t afraid to nudge me to when I got complacent.
So if you’re at a stage in your life where you’re exploring relationships with different therapists, it’s important to first ask yourself: Does this person make me feel safe and understood? If the answer is no, then stop right there.
Why? Feeling safe and understood is the foundation of any therapeutic relationship. If you don’t feel safe and understood with your therapist, it’s hard to establish the kind of trust that will allow you to identify your needs and wants. And if they don’t make you feel safe and understood, their suggestions can start to feel like shoulds instead of valuable insights.
On the other hand, if I ask you whether a potential therapist meets all three of these essential criteria and your answer is a resounding ‘yes,’ then chances are that they’re a good fit for you—and that the work you do together will give you the tools to heal and grow into the best version of yourself.
Do you want to learn more about how to create a healthy relationship with your emotions? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to deal with big emotions like anxiety, depression, and anger and find sources of support that work for you. Download a sample chapter here.