The Dos and Don’ts of Making Friends (as a Socially Anxious Person)
Sometime in my early 20s, after I graduated college and everyone went their separate ways, I suddenly realized I didn’t have any real friends anymore.
As lonely as I felt, the idea of making all new friends felt daunting and overwhelming. So I hid away in my apartment. Whenever I thought about going out and meeting people, I couldn’t work up the nerve. I didn’t feel like I knew how to talk to anyone. I had no idea what to do to make new friends.
After 6 months or so of isolating myself, I couldn’t take it anymore. The pain of feeling lonely pushed me to change my behavior. In the midst of that loneliness, I realized two things:
· The only way for me to make friends and create a different life was to take a different action.
· If I waited until I wasn’t scared anymore, it was never going to happen. You know that old saying about feeling the fear and doing it anyway? Well, it applies here, too.
So where did I start? As someone who used to feel anxious and awkward in just about every social situation, here’s what I did to get myself out of isolation and start making new connections with people:
1. I put myself out there.
I’m not going to lie: Putting myself out there was really scary at first! But I knew I had to do it if I wanted to meet people. So I looked online for events and meetups that matched my interests. At the first event I went to, I didn’t talk to anyone. I hung around the room for a while feeling incredibly awkward, not knowing how to approach anyone. Then I left.
If this happens to you, don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead of judging yourself, try to be compassionate. Focus on the fact that you showed up. Just like dating, making new friends is all about practice. You might have to meet a hundred people, but it only takes a couple of people you really connect with to pave the way for new friendships. It all starts with showing up.
2. I tried not to try too hard.
This might seem counterintuitive. After all, we want people to like us, so we have to try really hard to show them how likeable we are, right? But I noticed whenever I came across as needy, I projected a feeling of anxiety that repelled other people.
Over time, what helped take some of the pressure off was to look at social situations as opportunities to meet people. Rather than focusing on the idea that I HAD to meet a friend, I tried to make it about the practice of showing up and trying to connect with new people.
3. I practiced making the first move.
I realize this might sound terrifying. What gave me courage—and what still gives me courage— to make the first move is to remember that most people are nervous in social situations. Yes, even people who talk a lot. (They’re often just compensating by talking too much, as opposed to those of us who go quiet when we’re nervous).
What else helped me work up the courage to make the first move? I prepared a few questions ahead of time. For example:
· What has been the best part of your day so far?
· Did you grow up here?
· What do you like to do when you get to choose how to spend your time?
I also made it a point to walk into the room thinking: “I’m a good person. There’s nothing bad happening here.” Then I’d look around and see if I could spot anyone who looked uncomfortable or shy—and try to start a conversation with them. It might take a while to gather the guts to approach someone like this, but ask yourself: if you were feeling awkward in a social situation, wouldn’t you be grateful if someone approached you and seemed truly interested in talking with you?
4. I aimed for balance.
Whenever I was talking with someone new, I tried to balance the give and take in the conversation. I stayed curious about the other person. I asked some of the questions I thought about ahead of time — and asked new questions in response to what my conversation partners were saying.
At the same time, I shared things about myself, too! This is about two people getting to know each other, after all. I tried to strike a balance between being authentic and not oversharing: I didn’t have to pretend everything was great, but I didn’t want to dwell too much on the challenges I was dealing with either.
Instead, I focused on things I felt genuinely excited about in that moment—a movie I’d just seen, a book I’d recently read, a class I was taking or thinking about taking. I noticed when I talked about something that really interested me, it was much easier to stay centered in my true self.
5. I embraced saying yes.
If I wanted to start connecting with people, I knew it was important to say ‘yes’ to things. Even if something didn’t seem like my cup of tea, I’d make it a point to accept the invitation. Case in point: I once got invited to a camping trip and I said ‘yes’ even though I’m not really into camping. And guess what? I met one of my best friends there, and we’re still close 15 years later!
Here’s another thing I discovered when I finally started to make friends: once I met someone I really connected with, they usually had friends I also liked to spend time with. It was a domino effect.
Though it didn’t happen overnight, I slowly managed to get more comfortable in social situations. Over time, even though I still felt awkward, I kept showing up. Eventually, I made a friend. And another. And another. People started to invite me to things, and I went, even if a part of me wanted to stay home.
Yes, it was hard work sometimes. Yes, there were moments when I felt anxious or uncomfortable or unsure of myself. But it was all worth it in the end: now I have a group of close friends I’ll treasure for life.
Now, I enter new social situations with a different kind of confidence. Since I know I have my friends behind me, I don’t feel so nervous anymore: I’ve made friends before, I remind myself, and I can do it again.
If I can do it, so can you.
Do you want to learn more about how to build healthy friendships? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to make new friends and sustain long-term friendships, drawing from my training as a therapist, my own experience, and the experiences of my clients. Download a sample chapter here.
Bonus: Watch my TEDx talk on anxiety here.