What do you do when you’re knocked back to the beginning?
I’ve spent years cultivating the “perfect” coping skills. Creating a strong emotional support system. Building a career that makes me feel purposeful and smart. Putting together a balanced exercise routine of yoga, cardio, and weights. Developing exceptionally healthy eating habits.
And then I had a baby.
His name is Leo, and he’s the most beautiful, heart-expanding, magical thing that has ever happened to me. Every day I’m in awe that this being grew inside my body and is now my compadre for life.
At the same time, as much as I love Leo and love being his mom, I’m also going through some major changes that feel hard to cope with.
All of a sudden, I’m in a different place in my life than most of the people in my social circle. I don’t have the same amount of energy to exercise. I’m having what’s called dopamine drops, a chemical reaction caused by breastfeeding. I feel like I can’t think straight—I’m forgetful and less ‘with it.’
On top of all these changes, I’m catching myself thinking lots of self-deprecating thoughts.
I’ve cried more in the last few months than I have in the last 10 years.
I’m supposed to be this authority on self-love, and sometimes I feel like all I can do is criticize myself. It’s like all the coping skills I’ve spent years cultivating have flown out the window.
So what can I do?
First off, I can share my vulnerability.
As a therapist, I try to look at every experience and ask myself: how can I use this to connect more deeply with others and be of help to them?
This is why I’m writing this blog.
When we feel down, I think we have two choices: to isolate and not move or to take baby steps to make ourselves feel better. The most powerful baby step we can take is to connect to others in some way, to use our vulnerability as a time to deepen and strengthen our connections.
The more time we spend isolated and not moving, the lower we tend to feel. The more we share and realize we’re not alone, the faster the emotions move through us. Why? Because we’re breaking the cycle of self-judgment and unblocking the flow of stuck emotions.
I find that the more I share my vulnerability with others, the better I feel. So when someone asks me how I’m doing, I’m honest: I love being a mother and I am challenged by being a mother.
Thanks to this honesty, my sister-in-law has given me a place to go when I just need to get out of the house and be understood by another parent. My mom has shown up at least twice every week, which has brought us closer than ever before.
Letting myself feel
Besides sharing my vulnerability, I’m also consciously trying not to resist the place I’m in. What does this mean? It means if I’m crying one afternoon, then I let myself cry. I tell myself it’s okay that I’m having a tough time, and I don’t need to think about the future or how long this is going to last. I’m just going to be with this feeling right now.
Asking myself what I need
After spending some time letting myself feel, I ask myself what I need. Lie in bed? Take a walk? Connect to someone? Have a cup of tea? The more I can pose this question from a place of compassion (in a soft, understanding tone, the way I talk to Leo), the better my solution works in that moment.
Reminding myself that it’s hard—and that’s okay
But what if I still feel overwhelmed? Yes, sharing my vulnerability, being with my emotions, and asking myself what I need is helping me cope with all the big changes in my life right now. But the truth is, it’s still hard. So what do I do?
I tell myself, it’s okay that it’s hard right now. I try to remember that life isn’t supposed to be easy all the time, that the contrasts and the ups and downs are what keep it interesting.
I also remind myself that one of the reasons I signed up to be a parent was to experience something different. If everything was sunshine and rainbows, then the highs wouldn’t feel like highs anymore.
In those moments when being a mom feels impossibly hard, I tap into memories of the times I’ve worked through challenges in the past. As a teenager, I survived severe depression and loss. As a young adult, I built a successful career as a therapist despite being an awkward introvert.
Moving through these challenges was often painful. But these were also the times in my life when I experienced the most growth—and eventually the most fulfillment.
Do you want to learn more about how to develop a healthy relationship with your emotions? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to cope with big emotions like anxiety, anger, and depression—and how to bring more calm and fulfillment into your life. Download a sample chapter here.