The 5 Most Common Anger-Triggering Fears—and How to Work Through Them

Is anger hurting your relationships or stopping you from creating the life you want? If so, how can you deconstruct anger and cope with the emotions underneath it?

If you stumble upon a dog in a corner and it growls, it’s not angry with you. It’s growling because it’s scared and it wants to protect itself. Human anger works the same way. It’s an instinctive response to keep others from seeing that you’re feeling weak, afraid, or vulnerable.

Ultimately, fear is the most common emotion at the root of anger, though sometimes there can be sadness mixed in as well. So the name of the game for deconstructing anger is to find your fear. What are you actually afraid of?

The 5 Most Common Anger-Triggering Fears

If you’re angry, it’s a warning signal. An interaction has triggered you, or pushed an unresolved button inside you.

In other words, you’re afraid of something. How do you figure out what it is?

Here are the five most common anger-triggering fears:

1.     I don’t have value. Example: “My boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t romance me. That means they don’t really love me.

2.     I’m misunderstood and alone. Example: “My friends don’t get me.” Or “So-and-so isn’t texting me back.”

3.     I’m not going to get my needs met. Example: “If I tell my parent/caregiver how I really feel, they’ll just say my feelings are silly.”

4.     I can’t be a good person for others and take care of myself, too. Example: “My mom makes me feel guilty about taking care of her, but if I do what she asks, I don’t get what I want.”

5.     I’m scared someone I care about is in danger. Example: “My friend is dating someone who treats him badly.”

How to Identify Your Fear—and Work Through It

This is an exercise I do with my clients when they’re struggling with anger. If and when you’re dealing with anger, I encourage you to try it, too.

Think about a time when you felt angry recently. Take 5-10 minutes to write about it. Don’t censor yourself.

Reread what you’ve written. Then ask yourself these questions:

·       Can you identify the fear underneath your anger?

·       Can you think of other times in your life when this fear came up?

·       Is there a way to trace the fear back to an experience from your childhood?

·       Is the fear connected to a survival-related fear, like getting kicked out of your tribe or not being able to get your needs met?

Once you’ve identified your fear and recognized where it’s coming from, the next step is to take some time to journal about what you need it order to soothe it. Can you give yourself the emotional support to calm your fear? For example:

·       Can you hold on to the idea that the people you care about have good intentions for you?

·       Can you replay your recent interactions and acknowledge the ways your favorite people showed their love for you?

·       Is there a different way to look at the situation with the person you’re angry with that takes you out of self-protective mode and helps you understand where they’re coming from a little more?

If you don’t feel better after taking yourself through these steps, you may need input from someone else. If that’s the case, my post What to do when you need to communicate something hard in 4 steps can help you.

Do you want to learn more about how to cope with anger? In my new book, Life Launch, I write about additional strategies for working through anger, along with other big emotions like anxiety and depression. Download a sample chapter here.