What to do when you need to communicate something hard in 4 steps

Have you ever had that “pit in your stomach” feeling because something is really bothering you about your loved one but the thought of telling them feels awful?

You fluctuate back and forth between being angry at them for not already predicting what you need, and frustrated with yourself for not being able to “just get over it” and move on.

This is the emotional protection system we have developed when we’re triggered - anger at ourselves, anger at others.

But what is anger really?

Anger is the protection against our vulnerability. These patterns of using anger developed over a million years ago, when it wasn't safe to be vulnerable. We were concerned with not getting eaten by a tiger -  not with our happiness. We needed to look tough and strong so we didn’t get taken advantage of and got our needs met.

But now we are in the modern world and that way of operating is actually backfiring on us.

The more we communicate in anger at ourselves (judging our needs), the less likely we are to figure out how to get them met.

The more we communicate in anger to our loved ones, the more likely we are to push them away and they will not be motivated to care of us.

So what do we do with that pit in our stomach?

Here’s an example: Let’s say during the coronavirus, you felt like you needed some more alone time, but you felt bad asking your partner for it.

They didn’t really have anywhere else to go and you didn’t want them to feel rejected.

In the next second you’re thinking, “why don’t they just give me some space, can’t they see I’m pulled back emotionally!”

Here are 4 steps to ask for something you need (even when it feels hard)

Tip 1: Take a deep breath and figure out our specific need.

Many times, we have all these conflicting emotions and thoughts and we end up word vomiting all over our loved one, leaving them feeling confused, hurt and lost on how to help us.

If you can’t figure out your need by yourself, I suggest going to a loved one that you do not have the issue with to figure it out, talking it through with them first, so you can be clear when you talk to the person you need something from.

Tip 2: Find the right time to communicate your need.

All too often, once people figure out what they need, they have this urgency to communicate it, as quickly as possible, but if your loved one isn’t in the right place to hear you, it’s less likely they will be able to meet your need.

Like if they’re stressed about work - that is not the right time! Wait until you are both in a relaxed, centered place.

Tip 3: Get to the point.

When we are scared of hurting our loved ones feelings, we often dance around what we are trying to say instead of just speaking directly and succinctly.

We want to rip off the bandaid and just say what we need in one or 2 sentences and then let them ask questions.

The more anxious and wordy we are, the more likely they are going to feel like what you are communicating is a big deal and they should feel bad about themselves versus if you’re calm and succinct, they are more likely to just say, “no problem I can do that”.

In the example about needing more time alone, you could say something like, “I’m feeling like I need some alone time tomorrow, how can we create that?”

Tip 4: Whenever someone meets your need, make a big deal about it.

You want to reward your loved ones for taking care of you so that they want to do more of it in the future. Saying something like, “Thank you so much for taking care of me today and listening to me, I feel so much better, you’re the best!” can go a long way in creating a better communication system in the future, for you and your loved one.