Feeling lonely?
Many of my clients come to my office complaining about being lonely. These days, people are taking longer to get married or commit to their romantic partners, and I think many of us are left feeling on their own for their 20’s and older.
I have a lot of empathy for my clients that feel this way because it reminds me of how I felt lonely for a lot of my 20’s. I didn’t meet my now husband until I was 29, and I had never been in love before him. It felt like the rest of my friends and the world was experiencing what it was like to have romantic relationships and to be thought of as someone’s person, while I was left feeling alone.
I would lay in bed at night fantasizing about someone laying next to me and how comforting that would make me feel. I would have thoughts about how quirky of an individual I am, and that it was so unlikely that I was ever going to meet anyone who “got me”.
At times I was even unintentionally putting my happiness on hold until I met my person.
But one day I had a realization that changed everything...
I was out to lunch with my friend Sophie complaining about my predicament yet again and Sophie trying to comfort me said, “Don’t worry, your person is going to show up -- it’s just a matter of when.”
Reflecting on her words, I started to feel less lonely and I asked myself, “Jesse, what if you knew right now that in 1 year from today, you’re going to meet the person of your dreams and you’re going to have an amazing relationship, would you still feel bad right now?”
The answer was no. Then I asked myself what about if it was in 5 years? The answer was still no. I had an epiphany...
I acknowledged that loneliness wasn’t a present feeling for me – it was a future feeling. It was a fear of never getting to have the experience of romantic love. It was also the fear that I wouldn’t be able to reach my potential for happiness or fulfillment in my life, without first having a romantic partner.
This epiphany completely changed my life -- from then on, my 20’s became about living my best solo life possible instead of waiting for someone else to come along and make my life great.
This was awesome on two fronts --
I got to fully enjoy my life in the present -- I traveled to multiple international destinations to go surfing (including Bali); I built my business as a therapist, and I had the time to have tons of deep connecting experiences with my friends.
Because I felt so fulfilled and happy in my life, and was less attached to when I was going to be in a relationship, I became more attractive to potential mates. I got more dates, and the quality of people that were attracted to me definitely went up, making dating itself more fun.
Now I help my clients who are struggling with loneliness have the same realization which is a game changer for many of them as well.
You might be wondering though, what if I don’t feel fulfilled in my “solo life”?
My answer is – if you don’t presently feel fulfilled being on your own – then you essentially have to learn to date yourself.
I take a deep dive and explore this concept in my book coming out in June, but the cliff notes version is this:
Instead of looking for your romantic partner to fulfill you, look for how you can fulfill you...
Do you want to seek out deeper friendships?
Do you have something your passionate about pursuing?
Are you taking care of yourself physically?
Because the best cure to loneliness is being your best partner, which in turn also attracts other people to you as well.