How to get out of the blame game when someone’s feelings get hurt.

Do you spend time ruminating about something you did to someone else that hurt their feelings? That you just can’t let go of?

In my younger years I could get caught up in those self-destructive loops for long periods of time.

There was one time my friend Carrie and I were going away for her birthday. And on that weekend I was having a tough emotional time (during that period in my life there were many times when depression would get the best of me). At the end of the weekend Carrie told me that her feelings were hurt – she said it didn’t feel like I showed up for her birthday in a way that made her feel special and cared about.

This sent me into a downward spiral.

My anger bounced back and forth between being angry at myself and angry at her. I was angry at myself for not showing this person, who I really loved, that she was special. I thought about if the roles were reversed and if she showed up for my birthday with no excitement for me -- how sad that would make me.

Then, as often happens when we cannot tolerate how bad we feel about ourselves, I would flip to blaming her.

That looks something like this:

If she was my friend she would understand that it was amazing that I was even able to organize her birthday in the first place. She knew how bad my depression had been and how bad I feel already, and now she’s making me feel even worse!

The process I am describing is what we all tend to do on different levels when we feel bad that our actions or words have created pain for someone close to us. So how do we get out of this loop without causing ourselves, or our loved ones, more pain?

First thing is to take this scenario we are in out of the context of right and wrong or good and bad.

Our tendency when in conflict with someone is to start evaluating whether they are right and we are wrong or vice versa.

The problem with this evaluation is everyone loses and no one gets taken care of.

Like if I decided I was wrong for not taking care of my friend, then that would make me feel worse about myself and then make the depression worse, and now the thing my friend was originally complaining about -- me not showing up for her -- is even more true.

On the other hand, if I decide she is wrong for not being sympathetic to my situation, then I move further away from her (emotionally) and neither of us feel taken care of by our friendship.

So shifting to a perspective of empathy and understanding for both of us is the most healing thing we can do.

Relationships are not a competition about who is the better human being.

Relationships are about helping each other get our emotional needs met and helping each other grow into the best versions of ourselves.

So what does that look like?

It first means having empathy for why we said or did the thing that caused the other pain.

For me, that would be saying something to myself like,

“Jesse it’s ok that you didn’t realize how your behavior around your depression was affecting your friend, you have never been given that kind of input before, and frankly did not grasp in the moment how emotionally distant you were acting. Now that you have had this experience you can make different choices in the future. Working on being in the moment and taking care of your friends might actually lessen some of the depressive symptoms you are having.”

 Second, it means having empathy for your friend,

“It’s understandable that Carrie got her feelings hurt, and felt like her birthday wasn’t as special as she wanted it to feel. I am lucky to have a friend that would communicate to me directly when their feelings are hurt, so that we can become closer and I can grow from this experience. A lot of people wouldn’t be brave enough to say what they actually felt.”

Finally, holding both perspectives in your heart, you can move towards the other person and tell them that…                          

1) you are grateful that they were able to share their feelings

2) explain to them how you understand why they got hurt, and

3) apologize for your part in hurting them.

This process opens the space for you to be closer and for you to be the best version of yourself. Being close to others means that we are all going to unintentionally hurt each other.

The goal is not to stop the inevitable from happening, it’s to see how we can take what happened to learn and grow.

Have you experienced this loop of blame? Does this guidance help you see the experience from a new or different light?