How to break up with a friend | Part 2
In my last post, I wrote about how to break up with a friend when you’ve decided you’re just not connecting anymore.
In this post, we’ll look at how to end a friendship when it’s taking a toll on your mental health. What do you do when a friendship is draining you—or when the relationship becomes harmful?
When the friendship is draining you
If you’re trying to be there for a friend who’s going through a rough time, maybe because of depression or other mental health issues, things can get to a point where you’re giving more than you have to give.
You know you need to take a step back in order to take care of yourself, but you worry about your friend getting worse if you push them away.
In these cases, it’s important to catch things before they spiral too far downward. If you can acknowledge that the relationship is draining you before you feel overwhelmed, it’s much easier to gradually step away from it, instead of having things escalate to a drastic or dramatic place.
How do you do this?
Start by changing how (and how much) you show up for them. Move from being there in person to phone calls, or from calls to texts.
If you get on the phone with them, give them what space you have: “I have ten minutes right now, and I’ll check in with you tomorrow.” Slowly shift from calls to texts.
As a new mom, I don’t have the bandwidth I used to for taking care of others. When I feel like someone is asking me for more than what I have to give, I say something like, “I’m sorry I’m not as available right now. Being a mom is new for me, and I’m just barely making it through my own day. I’m sending you so many good vibes.”
The idea here is to let go of the belief that you’re the only person who can save your friend—and to send this person love and help them get the support they need.
When the relationship is harmful
When a friendship devolves from being draining to becoming harmful and/or abusive, it’s important to protect yourself as you break away from it.
In my experience, the best way to let go of a harmful relationship is to tell the other person the current dynamic isn’t healthy for either of you—and you need to take a break from communicating for a while.
Your instinct might be to attack the other person back and put them in their place. Try to resist the temptation to tell them they’re a terrible person and you never want to speak to them again. Why?
People who behave in abusive ways are people in a lot of pain. They don’t have much to lose. Attacking them where it hurts is likely to make them lash out at you—and inflict even more pain.
Once you let them know you want to take a break from communicating, agree on a time frame without contact. If you need to, extend that time frame when it comes to an end. The friendship might just fade out on its own by then.
But if the person keeps coming back, tell them something like, “We’re just not connecting in a way that feels healthy for either of us.” By this point, they may start getting used to the idea of not being friends anymore, because you’ve already started to fade it out.
In these situations, it’s important to get into an emotional space where you’re not blaming them. Try to look at it from an evolved place. Remember: They’re in a lot of pain. Having compassion for that allows you to let go of some of the ‘”yuck” feelings that exist in these dynamics.
Seek out people who bring you joy, set boundaries with those who don’t.
When you’re trying to sustain healthy friendships, it’s important to take care of yourself and be mindful of your limits, which will help you be a better friend in the long run.
If a relationship drains you, makes you angry, or hurts you, acknowledge what’s happening and think about what needs to change. Have empathy for yourself and empathy for them.
When you approach destructive friendships with compassion and equanimity, you give yourself a chance to exit the situation from a more neutral place. You also open up the opportunity to fill your life with people you want to be around who bring you true joy.
Do you want to learn more about how to navigate modern-day friendships? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to create and sustain long-term relationships with friends, drawing on my own experience and the experiences of my psychotherapy clients. Download a sample chapter here.