How to deal with rejection
Did you ever go on what you thought was a great date, but then get turned down for date number two?
Or apply for a job that you were super qualified for, only to have them choose someone else?
Or see on social media that your friend group went out together, and no one thought to ask you to join?
In other words, have you ever felt rejected?
Of course you have. We all have, and it’s not fun. So what can we do to make rejection sting less?
1. Accept your natural reaction to rejection.
When we feel rejected, we tend to flip back and forth between being mad at ourselves and being mad at the other person: “I’m just not interesting enough. Of course they don’t want to go on another date with me.” And/or: “They’re the worst! How can they not see what a great partner I’d be?”
Anger is a natural reaction to rejection. It’s our first line of defense whenever we feel weak, vulnerable, and scared. But anger is a secondary emotion, and it’s usually rooted in fear.
When we feel rejected, it brings up a fear that’s deeply connected to our survival instinct: In order to survive, our instinct tells us we need to be part of a tribe. Rejection—being kicked out of the tribe—feels threatening because it literally makes us feel like we might die.
It’s really hard to go against something that’s such an integral part of our survival instinct. So when you experience rejection, instead of beating yourself up for feeling angry and afraid, tell yourself it’s okay to be scared. It may sound like a paradox, but the more you can sit with the fear, the easier it is to release it—and feel some compassion for yourself.
2. Recontextualize the experience.
Sometimes rejection isn’t about you at all. You might have done everything right, and prepared as well as you could, but if it’s just not a good fit, there’s not much you can do about it. This doesn’t make it any less painful, but it makes it easier to accept.
When a relationship doesn’t work out, or if we don’t get that job, if we look at it as a question of fit instead of an indicator of our value as a human being, we can heal much faster.
This is especially true in romantic relationships. A lot of us are going to have only one life partner, so that means every other romantic relationship we have in the meantime will end in someone being rejected.
It's okay to feel the pain of it. At the same time, it’s important to remember there’s nothing wrong with you. It just wasn’t the right person or the right job for you right now.
If you can, try to be thankful for the experience. Reflect on how it’s preparing you for the next right thing.
If you try to go straight to gratitude, though, then you’re just denying the pain in the experience. Accept that your survival instinct is kicking in. Grieve the rejection. Feel the feelings. Then think about how the situation is calling you to grow, which brings us to step 3.
3. Ask yourself what you gained from the experience.
Though it may take time to gain some perspective, try to look at each rejection as a learning experience. What could you do better next time? Was there something holding you back? Maybe you weren’t prepared enough. Maybe you didn’t even know how to prepare.
In my teens and well into my twenties, I had a hard time feeling confident and making a great first impression because I was so insecure about my appearance. I never learned how to do my hair and makeup, so I had to learn how to use those tools on my own.
I’m not saying it’s all about how we look. But the way we present ourselves, and the way we feel about ourselves, influences the impression we make on others. Being well put together gives off a different energy—and fills you with a different energy—than showing up in sweatpants.
4. Try to let go of “needy” energy.
A lot of times when we really want something, we get nervous and overeager—and it shows. Worrying about getting rejected before the rejection even happens sends out anxious energy that pushes other people away.
Whenever you catch yourself worrying about not being good enough, or thinking no one will like you, try to tell yourself: Everyone has something likable about them. That doesn’t mean that everyone is going to like you, but I guarantee there are tons of people out there who will like you.
Don’t reject yourself before anyone else can. It’ll just end up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, tell yourself: “I am scared that X will happen, but I don’t know that it will.” This way, you can calm your energy before you go into the situation.
Depending on the situation, it’s also okay to be honest and admit you’re a little nervous. This gives the other person a chance to respond and connect to that, which will in turn help you calm down. Win, win.
Dealing with rejection takes practice
Learning to cope with rejection is kind of like training a muscle. And it often takes more than one round of going through the steps—accepting your instinctive reaction, recontextualizing the experience, reflecting on what you gained—to shift your perspective on it.
You don’t have to figure it all out right away.
And here’s some good news: The more you practice coping with rejection, the better you get at putting future rejections in their place—and the more willing you’ll be to take risks and create new opportunities for yourself.
Do you want to learn more about how to deal with challenging emotions? In my book, Life Launch, I write about how to realign your relationship with emotions like anxiety, depression and anger, drawing on my own experience and the experiences of my psychotherapy clients. Download a sample chapter here.